| Okay, right now I’m in the final stages of sending off my book to Kickstarter backers. They’ve been a patient and supportive group and deserve this ASAP. That being said, I need to break and mention what just happened. I saw a squirrel taking a poop. I really did! No, this is not an ADD incident (well, maybe it is). This is important. I’ll tell you why. |  |
For me and many, middle school was horrible. Those were some of the worst years of my life. I’m now thirty-three, almost thirty-four years old. Middle school has been in my rearview mirror for almost twenty years, but I still remember those moments: being dumped over speakerphone from a party, fights started with me in the cafeteria, and being hunted by a school bully because I told the teacher he was smoking in the bathroom. Fun!
(Quick note to anyone in middle school: It stinks. Life gets better. Learn how to make the best of this horrible situation, because those are some of the best skills you have in life. It will be over with soon.)
One day in middle school I was in a particularly reflective and curious moment when I looked out the window. A squirrel was running around. At that moment I felt caged, troubled, and couldn’t see any light. The squirrel was free. No awkwardness, confusion, or struggle. I was jealous.
I turned to a friend and said something like, “Don’t you wish you could be that squirrel? No problems. No worries. No school. Just having fun outside all day.”
Without a moment of thought, out of pure reactionary instincts, he replied, “Yeah, but we wouldn’t be able to wipe our own butts.”
He elaborated to tell me that despite their freedom, squirrels must always have dirty backsides (I’m trying to clean everything up). My friend’s reaction was so quick. I could tell this was something he already thought about. To him, he weighed all of the pros and cons of being the most intelligent species on this planet and the thing that tipped the scales was toilet paper. Humans work ourselves to death, struggle, fight wars, and oppress others, all for toilet paper.
I didn’t agree, but couldn’t argue.
This conversation has always stuck with me and caused me to think about squirrels pooping much more than any person should. A few years ago I was stumbling around the internet when realized that other people have thought about squirrel poop. They are very elusive evacuators. Below is the Urban Dictionary definition of “squirrel poop.”
(Quick note to anyone in middle school: It stinks. Life gets better. Learn how to make the best of this horrible situation, because those are some of the best skills you have in life. It will be over with soon.)
One day in middle school I was in a particularly reflective and curious moment when I looked out the window. A squirrel was running around. At that moment I felt caged, troubled, and couldn’t see any light. The squirrel was free. No awkwardness, confusion, or struggle. I was jealous.
I turned to a friend and said something like, “Don’t you wish you could be that squirrel? No problems. No worries. No school. Just having fun outside all day.”
Without a moment of thought, out of pure reactionary instincts, he replied, “Yeah, but we wouldn’t be able to wipe our own butts.”
He elaborated to tell me that despite their freedom, squirrels must always have dirty backsides (I’m trying to clean everything up). My friend’s reaction was so quick. I could tell this was something he already thought about. To him, he weighed all of the pros and cons of being the most intelligent species on this planet and the thing that tipped the scales was toilet paper. Humans work ourselves to death, struggle, fight wars, and oppress others, all for toilet paper.
I didn’t agree, but couldn’t argue.
This conversation has always stuck with me and caused me to think about squirrels pooping much more than any person should. A few years ago I was stumbling around the internet when realized that other people have thought about squirrel poop. They are very elusive evacuators. Below is the Urban Dictionary definition of “squirrel poop.”
All these thoughts rushed back into my noggin as I stared through my basement window. Without going into great detail, the squirrel seemed to quickly and effortlessly take care of business. It also didn’t seem uncomfortable afterwards. No need for toilet paper. Had I known this back in middle school, I might have turned out differently.
It’s great that I saw this odd action of a squirrel pooping today. My first book will be released on October 6th. I have a great, loving wife and an amazing daughter. I work at a fantastic school with some very talented people. My friends are inspiring and fun. A squirrel wouldn’t have these things.
Lack of toilet paper included, I’m glad I’m not a squirrel.
It’s great that I saw this odd action of a squirrel pooping today. My first book will be released on October 6th. I have a great, loving wife and an amazing daughter. I work at a fantastic school with some very talented people. My friends are inspiring and fun. A squirrel wouldn’t have these things.
Lack of toilet paper included, I’m glad I’m not a squirrel.
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